I was randomly listening to this guy talking and he was like, “so it’s officially summer for some people, and for those who are done with school, done with work, just done with thinking in general, just do one more thing for me. Think about how you were 6 months ago, during the winter, end of 2011.” So, soon I did. But I decided to post about it when my school actually got out so here it is. 

6 months ago, my life has actually changed so much oh my god. First, starting in December, well I was still cutting six months ago. Luckily now those scars are gone. My meds weren’t at the right dose yet so I still felt like complete shit most of the day and yeah, couldn’t sleep. Just the winter in general makes me feel like shit because nothing ever feels happy. I felt more alone than ever even though I had a boyfriend. He never really made me feel good about myself since he called me ugly fat and stupid all the time. Which sucked, because he was supposed to be the person that reassured me, but along with everything else, was bringing me down. I was too afraid to break up with him because of other reasons I can’t mention on here. Finally when he broke up with me in January I was mad because he broke up with me just because I started crying in front of him, but also glad at the same time. I don’t think I ever really loved him, now that I think about it. He was just something that I held on to because having someone that I could tell other people that cared about me made me feel good about myself, even though he really didn’t care. School just sucked. Every quarter that went by, my gpa just kept getting lower and lower. It started with a 3.7 then by third quarter a 3.2. I felt stupid. And what annoyed me the most is that people at my school are like oH MY GOD MY 4.1 GPA SUCKS UGH I’M SO STUPID im like no you’re not shut up… and secretly get crushed inside because if they think they’re stupid with that gpa then what do they think of me.. Finally it was February. 

Things started to look up for me. I got close to him and wanted to be with him badly. Everything about him just made me feel all warm inside and made me just want to grab him and kiss him. And now I have him. He actually makes me feel good about myself, despite my past. I don’t think he truly knows how he saved me from everything. Actually being able to wake up and bare school every day. Having a purpose for actually trying. Having a purpose to be happy. 

Then from there everything turned up, of course until band trip rolled around in April and issues with my parents and my mom calling me a fucking disappointment. My friends actually really helped me around that time and it made me realize that people actually cared about me. It meant a lot. I owe so much to my friends and people that have lended me a hand this past year. I couldn’t have made it through without you, honest to god. I fucking cried on band trip. But they held me together, thank you guys.

After that me and my parents had group sessions with my therapist that made things sorted out. They raised my dose to the right level. My parents and I talked. We’ve been moving forward since then, it’s a nice feeling. They realized stuff and I realized things too. 

I shouldn’t be like this anymore. I should enjoy the two years I have left in high school. Screw the people I don’t like there. I’ll just block them out as best as I can, have my friends, my boyfriend, and the memories I’m going to want to carry to my grave. Time is moving on, even when we don’t want it to. And before we know it it’ll be over and we’ll want it back. So just smile. As best as you fucking possibly can. Realize time is short, and that even when it looks rough, you do have people that will carry you throughout the day.